My first pride experience in London - highly political, complicated and confusing!

As luck would have it I find myself in London and gravitating around a park in Leister square for some reason.  It happened to be around the time pride was happening so I decided to experience it and see what all the fuss was about out of pure boredom and curiosity.

I wanted to learn more about becoming a lesbian, I thought I could make a good lesbian and be one of those new women with cocks, you know the type, the new real ones!

I have no idea why I was drawn to this park, maybe it was the irrelevant fence around it that you could just hop over that seemed to get locked up over night.  You could just hop over and sleep there and there were a few doing just that.  There was a also a hop on hop off buss in London but that's by the by.  There were also these very strange statues around of historical important figures.  I wondered at first if they were people that had been painted in that colour and were just sitting and standing very still to get attention for money as that's how I remember the centre of London as a child.   After a few days I realised it must just be a statue, but this guy on the bench got so much attention and so many pictures taken of him with others and he literally did nothing, just sat there!  I started to think that the people who seem to get the most attention in the world seem to do the least so I tried just sitting there for a few days too but I didn't generate the same level of attention.  I did get a coffee at one point brought to me by a nice smiley girl but that was about it.

It's all changed now though, there's no Pidgeon's at Trafalgar square, there's barely even a Trafalgar Square depending on what events are going on and there are signs everywhere telling you not to feed them.  Trafalgar Square is also just around the corner from Leister Square as far as I was concerned and had to work that out for myself because nobody knows how to get around on foot!  It's quite remarkable to be their and experience it on foot.

However at some point I realised I could jump through the barriers and ride on the tube for free and I just started doing that for fun with know where to go!  It's also strange to do that, none of the signs or adverts tell you anything useful in the moment of where you might be able to go while being on the tube.  I never really found anything more interesting than riding the tube itself!

Anyway back to pride as I could go on about the complexities of London all day long.  The park seemed to be closed down for a good few days before the event even started.  This is one thing I notice happening all over the country in all the alleged "public" parks, they close them down for days in order to create a one day event which ruins vibration (with their noisy vans) and stops the public enjoying a nice space they've grown accustomed to.  I talk about Sophia Gardens in Cardiff doing the same in this post How workers affect the vibration of what should be a nice walk through a park

On the day of the event the park was still closed using an inappropriate fence.  At one point they secured the inappropriate fence with a zip tie!  Eventually they opened up the exit but only slightly and they put a no entry sign up behind the exit sign.  However they were letting some people in the exit with a no entry sign that was only slightly open.  I spent a good deal of time sitting at the exit wondering if I should try and get inside the park, mainly to have a lie down and get a seat.  However, did I want to go through an exit with a no entry sign?  It was like it should have been an outie not an innie, but they were letting some people in.  They didn't let a group of fairy's in though which I thought was strange for pride.  The people they were letting in did look very proud so I wondered how I could improve on my proud look and whether I even wanted to go through an exit with a no entry sign.

Eventually the situation was rescued by them opening up the entrance where you go in to trance ironically.  So I decided to be a good by and go through the front entrance (in trance) like all the other normals.  At the time I did have a bundle of dirty clothes that I had been wearing for quite a few weeks.  Now bare in mind these clothes were smelly, I live outside, don't wear pajama's, sleep in them and wear them constantly for months at a time sometimes, depending on where I am and how generous the town is.  I was finding it tricky to get a shower in London but I did have a set of clothes on me and it reached a point where I couldn't wait for a shower anymore so I had what I call a "Turkish shower" which is basically a wipe down with wet wipes (those dirty Turks).  I did it in a portable toilet on the high street just before the pride event so was walking around with my old clothes thinking I need to throw these away at some point.

As luck would have it there was a clothes charity stand inside pride and I asked them if they wanted my bag of clothes and they couldn't have been happier!  They took them off my hands with pleasure and I thought they have no idea how smelly they are and I may have even mentioned it but they seemed lovely.  That's one thing I did notice about pride; everyone seemed lovely but just a little bit strange!

Now remember my goal for this event (which was strange for me because I generally don't have any goals anymore) was to see if I would make a good lesbian.  So initially I was on the hunt for lesbians. ;)  The bands started to sing and dance on stage though and it was very distracting.  The music was actually quite good but the performances were, well, a bit gay!  Then men danced like women.  I didn't, I was dancing cool, but nobody else was!  I would look around and just see a sea of faces all around me and nobody was dancing!  They were all just stood staring like they were part of some kind of cult, it was very disturbing indeed.

One thing I leaned is that there all all kinds of different flags for whichever club, cult or way of being you want to identify with!

Now I don't want to cause a scene between the non-binaries and the blacks but the non-binaries don't have black in their flag.  Nope, they don't care about the blacks!  They also don't care about gender, they don't believe in it, but they do believe in willy's, I asked them myself.  They seemed happy enough which used to be the word associated to gay until they homos stole it.  As you can see it's all very political and very confusing, I'm just trying to be a normal guy and they burn them every year at the stake and shoot giant cock rockets into the sky and explode them!  I'm not homophobic but I am phobic of homes.  Anyway I was just trying to understand whether it was worth being a lesbian and it was starting to appear more trouble than it was worth.  I also couldn't get any concrete clarification on how I become one of these new types of women with cocks, because I do have one of those!

The songs all seemed to be licensed rubbish, all about love which tends to wind me up and the whole pride movement seemed to be very focused on love.  Apparently it's everything, however sometimes you can love someone who doesn't love you back and then feel entitled to be angry about that and write a song about it.  Or sometimes if you do love someone back, it tells them that you accept the level of control they are enforcing on you (normally over your sexual freedom) and then you can also enforce that control back on them if you love them in the correct way.  However it is everything also??!!!  I decided becoming a lesbian wasn't for me after all.

These sign interpreters were also in time with the music which made it even funnier.  Now it was the funniest part for me, although the men prancing about in leotards was also pretty funny.  However did they take the joke too far?  Is this potentially hurtful to deaf people, or the deafblind as they call them now.  Yeah they've lumped you all into one category!  Although I think this world has gone too far with the way it helps it's so called "victims" and the excessive use of unhelpful helpers being paid to be a nuisance.   I do think that a pretend sign writer just taking the piss out of the audience could also be a little bit to far in terms of comedy even if I did find it funny in the moment. 

When you really think about the event and what it stands for you see a darker force or agenda going on though.  I found it funny and potentially if I was deaf I would have found it funny too but the audience is potentially full of very confused sexually inexperienced and exploited young people trying to work out who they are in the world and hoping that pride will be the answer.  Now you have a pretend sign writer just taking the piss out of the whole event while homos prance about on stage validating, commercialising and humourising the ass pounding abuse they may have experienced, with nobody else dancing and a strange homeless guy laughing his ass off.  I'm not sure pride really helped anyone feel more proud and it certainly didn't help me to find a woman I could be a lesbian with. ;)

Unfortunately the truth is a lot of the people there would be victims of trauma.  As much as the homos like to believe that they were born that way and they were born to enjoy sex in the ass I really don't think it's true.  Most of it comes out of trauma and is going to be based on things they experienced as a child.  Possibly even pre verbal and at an age where you will tell yourself anything to get through the experience and then that becomes your reality.  That's why there is loads of crack, cocaine, (and any other substance that change your reality into a more confident being) and no facing of any of your trauma in these circles of people.  There isn't a lot of weed smoking or mushroom taking going on and that's because these people don't like drugs that force them to face their daemons and deal with the level of trauma they don't accept they are experiencing.  Now they've finally found the answer, a group of people that feel the same and tell them they are special and it's just a big joke, but nobody is laughing, only me, and why is that?  Because I'm normally always stoned and have dealt with a lot of my trauma and choose to see the humour in it rather than the darkness but believe me both do exist.  If anyone was to approach me, get angry and point this out to me they would obviously see and hear that I am very much aware of it all and am just enjoying the funny side from people that are trying to be funny and have no idea of the depth of darkness in relation to what they may or may not be doing.  You can't blame them as they are just as brainwashed as the next person and they are just trying to have fun at the end of the day, as am I.  Unfortunately most people won't want to discuss these complex issues with you as it pushes up against a lot of their own sexual trauma so they just project, judge and move on.

Unfortunately, (and I don't say this lightly) I seem to have reached a point in my own sexual energy where I very rarely get any sex anymore.  It interestingly doesn't co-inside with how charming, clever or engaging you are or even how confident you are, in fact it seems to get worse as you get more confident in my experience.

We've gone off topic a bit here, or have we, as discussed pride is full (in my opinion) of sexually confused, abused and inexperienced individuals being shown that behaving in a way and engaging in sexual activity that doesn't promote fertility, (because we don't need more humans in this world), is just a big joke, so dance like a homo and enjoy yourself!  This is another massive subject and potentially links into everything that is wrong with the world in some way as do a lot of the things I discuss because it's all about vibration and everything is connected.  For this post I'll just try and keep it to where it's left me today in the life I lead and the things I experience in others while trying to stay in the moment.

The last few (what society would deem) long term relationships were with older women, one was only slightly older than me and the next one after that was 10 years older, bearing in mind I am 43.  The 50+ that I met at an Osho Leela camp which is a centre for sexuality and spirituality actually wasn't as sexually evolved as you would think.  My experience of that camp was similar to pride, it was full of sexually confused and inexperienced women looking for answers and the only one with a sexual energy that remotely interested me was a 49 year old women going through menopause!  At the time I wasn't sure what this was all about but since then I have slept with a few more older and younger women on my travels and realised that it's something to do with the perception that they have at certain ages.

At a certain point when dealing with my own sexual energy and wondering what it is that I want, I realised that I didn't want to be on my knees, with my hands behind my back saying please have sex with me giving all my power away to the feminine.  Now this caused my sex life to take quite a nose dive I can assure you.  Also around this time I was sort of homeless or becoming that way and most women in the world can't see past a shower, shave and a new set of clothes.  Sounds like a cheap shot but believe me it's true, I've experienced the different level of attention I get when busking after a shower shave and a new set of clothes.  In fact I've experienced dates with women who where judging me differently before that happened and they openly admit that to me with sentences like "you seem to have sorted yourself out a bit".  They don't see anything wrong with that perception whatsoever.

First there was the lass, then there was the maiden and last but not least the old crone.

Now the over 50s sometimes over 40s may be going through menopause or a divorce and my be experiencing a reality where they realise that their not that special anymore!  All the men are going for younger women and they aren't fertile and are struggling to become sexually motivated and can't even be bothered to wear makeup anymore.  All of a sudden they come across a man on the streets or living in a different way that looks them in the eye, listens to what they have to say and can see the fun sexy women they were before this thought process started to kick in.  We generally have a great time and I remind them that sex can be fun and is fun and it's linked to energy.  There energy changes, they start to love themselves and their body and enjoy the process of the "change" they are said to be going through.  That's if they have the guts to go with the energy that is, a lot of them will sense the sexual power or energy that's coming from me, be old enough and wise enough to know it's going to be a good time but also be terrified because afterwards they may not be able to hold me in one place (their control) for ever.

Either way I've still had a fun time flirting and engaging in conversation which is very difficult to do with the under 30s these days in my opinion.  Firstly most of them are staring at a phone constantly and if they're not doing that they are listening to some kind of brainwashing on earphones.  In the event that one of them is walking down the street without doing this, isn't drunk, rushing to work, or hiding behind a dog  or a child (this is vary rare) they just think you are a complete nutter for engaging in conversation.  Even if you do manage to hold a conversation for a few minutes and generate some energy they will be expecting to be asked for their number so they can then engage in a few months of texting back and forth and "getting to know each other better".  Not having a phone or a laptop I struggle with that and also I'm not sure how beneficial it is to where I want to be going in terms of connecting intimately. 

The perception a lot of these women have has come from signing up to dating websites and getting thousands of emails for doing nothing.  Just showing a picture of their ass.  That is literally what they'll do to you on the street, show you their ass, strut about in the park and expect you to do something special to break down the barriers, the digital version is "I need a really good engaging first email before I reply".  As I said before I stopped getting on my knees with my hands tied behind my back saying please have sex with me, although it's obvious by my flirty nature that I am very sexual and I'm good at flirting so it's conflicting for them, I imagine they right it with themselves by calling me shy.  Nope darling, I'm just sexually powerful.  The response I get is generally a lot of fear.  I think a lot of the under 30s assume I am constantly shagging around which is why I'm single on the street, have the gift of the gab, and can't "commit" to a woman.  There's a lot I can say to break the bubble of that perception so it's tricky to formulate it into words to write about, In fact I think it should be another blogpost titled "Living in the MA Trix".

The under 30s have also been brainwashed through schooling (where you learn your schools of thought) to invent their own problems, in order to create a reaction (an argument) and then a solution (the fix that they give you) which is normally with sex.  David Icke calls it problem reaction solution.  Well this is the relationship version that gives women all the power in sex, especially if they are hot.  Now you can't really blame them for that, sex is a martial art and they are taking the power that men have given them.  Men don't have to be on their knees with both hands tied behind their back and a lot of them are!  The last under 30 I was with called it the "collective wound"!  Now I was in Glastonbury and had found these heart chocolates with high THC content.  Whatever was in them it was a lovely high and I could have one at about 12pm and just be blissed out all day and in a great mood laughing at everything, even the "collective wound".  So we would be having a great day laughing, joking, having fun and then all of a sudden it would get to a point where possibly she needed some space or wanted to sleep on her own.  Apparently she couldn't sleep while I was in bed with her (although I saw different through the night!)  So instead of just saying calmly and in line with how we were hanging out, can you go back to your tent tonight as I want a night on my own, she would invent a problem with what was happening, which would normally be something wrong with me or something wrong with the great day we just had to justify needing time on her own.

When I laughed and tried to point out that your just making shit up she called it the collective wound and completely outsourced any self responsibility for doing anything wrong.