Consistency, authenticity, connection and desire! - What are these things that I'm always lacking in

This could be another big topic with a lot of rabbit holes so it's hard to structure it all into one blog post however the first response you will get from the do-gooder's when discussing fulfilling your desires as Lucifer would encourage (the devil) is what if your desires are "bad".  I suppose firstly it takes an open mind to understand that even the word "bad" is a self projection as to what you personally or a group ideology you are attached to agree is bad.  Some people would try to rephrase it and say, don't cause harm to others.  Again, the word "harm" is also a perception and while some people may say you "harmed" me others would say in response to the same action, thank you, I love it!  So the question I like to ask is, "is there the space for everyone to fill their desires in the world no matter what they are or how bad they may seem to others".  It's a very controversial discussion and generates a lot of anger in the world to be honest so nobody every really has it.

The way I tend to look at it is that a lot of what people think they desire, that may not be good for them or good for a society will show itself to be that in the end and then it will end up not being fun for you and eventually not what you desire!  Most desire in the world has been corrupted and subconsciously send down to you through generations of brainwashing and isn't actually what you desire when you really think about it.  I like to believe that if someone has dealt with all their daemons or wounding you may call it then what they desire tends to also help others.  We could recatagorise dysfunctional desire as "addiction". 

When you think about it what really is addiction?

I personally feel that addiction is something that you keep doing even though you know the thing does you no good in the long run.  In my life I have been a big alcohol drinker, tried all sorts of drugs, smoked etc. etc. and I never really feel the pain of addiction to these substances like others.  Which tells me that it's not the substance itself that is causing the addiction.  When I take them, I am paying attention to how my body feels and how good a time I have in the moment and how it serves me afterwards.  For example with most alcohol now, I find it too gassy and it gives me heartburn so I generally don't drink a lot and if I do and have the luxury to choose and afford a drink at pub prices it's Sambuca or Vodka or something that feels a bit more pure without any gas in, or compressed air.

Yes gas is just compressed air, but that's another blog post for another time!

So you could link this to desire.  Why would you continue to desire something that is doing you no good and then giving yourself the get out clause of "oh I'm addicted".  In my opinion that's a dysfunctional desire and isn't actually what you desire!  If you really ask yourself what you desire before taking the substance or indulging in the "addictive" act then the answer may be connection, or escape, or for your body to relax, or for your brain to stop.  If you start to notice how the substance does that for you, it then becomes a friend to you, a form of help rather than something you just can't stop doing.  The relationship starts to change and then maybe what you desire will actually start to help you, rather than feel like it's something terrible that you just can't stop doing.

Being homeless and busking I come across a lot of "crack heads" as they are classified.  It's quite a strong addiction from what I understand although I've never felt the need to indulge myself.  Not knowingly anyway as I'm pretty sure there is definitely some strong weed out there that's laced with it.  Even so I don't think I would find myself becoming difunctionally addicted to it because I like things that ultimately end in me having fun and having a good time.  Now weed, although still illegal is a much more socially acceptable drug to enjoy.  So I'm able to busk on the streets and have no shame in saying "I'm trying to get to £10 so I can buy a gram of weed".  You still get the odd old person judging you but most people will accept that as being ok and potentially good for you and accept that it's wrong and shouldn't be illegal.

Most of the so called "crack heads" I come across are desperately trying to earn £10 so they can get their next hit.  It would be fair to say there is a lot more intensity around it than me wanting weed but the point is they can't just say it.  Why not?!

Is it not their choice to do what they want with their own body and put what they want into it.  Why do they need to be nannied as to what's right for them and their body and maybe if they could be honest about what they were doing and why and just asked for it in the moment like I am able to the intensity and desperation may lower a bit.  I don't know to be honest, I know it ruins a lot of lives and a lot of relationships and causes a lot of deaths due to overdoses etc. and weed certainly doesn't do the same so there is that.  However is that not also their choice?

The entitlement we have over controlling the lives of others that may or may not choose to indulge in something that can kill them is quite dysfunctional in itself in my opinion but that's possibly another blog post for another time again ;)

So back to me and my desires, because I'm a narcissist's and I'm obviously writing this blogpost to compensate for the fact that not enough people list to me on a daily basis!  I've been in Cardiff nearly a month now and this is normally when I start to get itchy feet and move on.  I work out how to get my needs met in a town or City and when I try to build some kind of consistency it just feels like I can't and I'm not able to connect with anyone (this mainly relates to intimacy with a women) so instead of facing the loneliness I move on to another town or city hoping it will be better and it generally isn't.

I decided to notice when it was coming up in Cardiff and stay with it and face it.  Yesterday was a hard day, I walked about (on my own again) and although seemed to get most of what I needed (apart from a nice bit of bud) I just felt so lonely and isolated which led to frustration, anger and it was intense.  I ended up having a bit of a meltdown and a big cry under a tree.

My philosophy around this is that if there is emotion coming up and you have the balls to show it then you're being as strong as you can be in that moment and the concept that it's weak for men to cry, I believe keeps them weaker and more repressed.  You may get called a little girl or a baby giving us the illusion that they are weaker and we're like them.  Now as far as I can tell, children have all the power in this world, get all their needs met and are allowed to cry instantly in the moment based on the emotion they feel.  At a certain age we tell them that's not ok and normally it co-insides with when they go to school and learn new dysfunctional schools of thought, how to be a good slave and how to answer the 5 questions that keep them that way as I discuss in the blog post What this world seems to be about

So I had a good cry and let it all out. 

When I woke up this morning I was still feeling pretty lonely, I suppose part of my brainwashing is that I'm waking up on my own so I should now feel alone.  My first thought was to think about what it is I desire that I'm not getting and in the moment I was thinking I just don't get any consistency, intimacy or authenticity.  I don't know if it was because of the cry or whether it was the fact that the sun was out but I thought to myself, why don't you think about the consistency you do get because there must be some!  When I started to think about that I realised actually there was quite a lot!  It's funny how I was ignoring the consistency I was getting and focusing on the things that kept changing.  I've started to enjoy Weatherspoon's a lot recently, they have loads of bars/restaurants around Cardiff and they are consistently the same everywhere you go!  You can consistently get unlimited coffee for no more than £1.50, sometimes cheaper and they look and feel the same.  They are always nice buildings that have the same kind of feel to them and the staff are consistently "just good enough" ;)  It's also interesting how they beat a vast majority of people in the hygiene records that all the chains adhere to.

Hygiene ratings at Wetherspoon - J D Wetherspoon

I find it fascinating how a big chain can keep such a high level of consistency even if I do think the whole thing is a load of bollocks.  Somehow they manage to do what is necessary to meet the expectations over and over again with multiple staff and multiple personalities in all their stores.  That's impressive whether you care about the hygiene rating or not.  They also contributed to me feeling better by recognising how consistent they are.