How I deal with loneliness

Basically I had a pretty good day yesterday, using my anger with life to focus directly on me to get my needs met.  So I managed to get a nice bit of weed for a great price which did clear me out because it was my last £5, but don't tell anyone because it's harder to get free stuff being homeless if you spend your money on things you may enjoy. ;)

Being in Cardiff for a few weeks only, I was finding it hard to get people to trust you when it comes to getting good weed.  Everyone is paranoid about you being a cop or a fed or a this or a that.  Basically they always expect you to have an agenda other than just wanting to get stoned!!  Which is strange I think but the world is nuts.  I don't think police even care about weed anymore, unless they think that you may have enough to steal so they can sell it on themselves.  So I don't tend to worry and just make sure I've never got enough to interest them while sometimes giving them the illusion that I have loads just to wind them up!  Anyway it seems I've finally been seen enough of in Cardiff now and someone finally trusted me to get some weed to me.  It's interesting what it does to me in terms of feeling lonely I think.  It does me a lot of good, it's great for my creativity, my mood, my excitement for having fun and living life......however there's always a dark side or a parody I suppose.

When I don't have coffee, weed or snacks to keep me going and keep the trilogy alive I suppose it focuses my mind and distracts me from the reality that living a life outside the system as I do is actually a pretty lonely existence.  Nobody else is really doing it and if they are they are normally fighting some kind of addiction and actually struggling with life and relationships quite a lot.  In terms of someone living the life I am and having a good time doing it, I think I'm basically on my own, especially in terms of having any kind of authentic connection and some healthy intimacy with a women.

So once I get the weed, which is a feminine plant, (that's the part that gets you high) the feminine part it helps my body to feel good and it feels like the good feeling you get when you are having a strong intimate relationship based on in the moment connection with a female.  Then I suppose now I have nothing to focus on I start to focus on the fact that it isn't actually happening. 

It's kinda like watching porn :)  Which could also be another blog post at some point.

So I have to be careful and just watch the feelings come up and try and focus on myself again rather than the external not fulfilling something in me and curing my loneliness.  What even is it, loneliness?

What even is loneliness?

When you really stop the think about it you realise that it's a concept you've dreamed up in your head about something you're not receiving in the moment.  Where does that come from?

I personally think it comes from years and years of watching Hollywood films, soaps, reading books etc etc that essentially leads me to believing that if I'm not intimately connecting with another person, in a way that feels good to me, then I should consider that lonely.  I mean I can just accept the feeling, accept that it is what it is and not label it with some kind of sad feeling that serves me in no way whatsoever.  For example I would like a Tesla, it's not something I could imagine getting in the moment because of the life I lead but I accept it's the way it is, do I need to label myself as being unfortunate and create a miserable vibration in myself because I haven't got one?

For some reason, when it comes to an intimate relationship it's harder for me to do compared to the kind of thinking that comes with material possession.  You could say that intimacy (in-to-me-see) is something we all crave and we wouldn't even perceive at all if it wasn't to get seen in some way or in the way you are desiring.  So maybe it's perfectly natural and to be honest there probably isn't a lot of women in the world that would understand that or have even stripped away enough to even meet me on that level so I suppose it's a waiting game.  I remind myself that it's a bit like growing weed :)

You don't water your plants and watch them grow.  You go off, do you're own thing and come back and check on them once in a while, if you stand there and watch them grow and get impatient at the speed, you're not going to get anywhere.  So I walk about trying to have little conversations, showing people that I'm not a scary, addicted drunk with an agenda.  I'm just a guy trying to have fun and hoping that I don't have to keep doing it on my own in terms of intimacy which for me does need to be a woman.  I'm not homophobic but I am phobic of homes, I'm just trying to be happy until they stole the word and made it gay and I'm just trying to be a normal guy but they burn them every year at the stake and shoot giant cock rockets into the sky and explode them! 

Anyway not sure if that's relevant at this stage....maybe another blog post at some point.

So yeah, I have to chill out, remember that loneliness isn't a real thing and I'm creating the feeling of sadness in the moment out of choice, hoping that it will get me what I want because that's how I first learned to get what I want when I was 5.  Ahhhh, the good old days, when you got all your needs met, over and over again.  All you're stuff carried and everything you wanted and if you didn't get it you just got sad until you got it.....the good old days.  Why can't I get my needs met like I did when I was 5!!

Then I just water the plants (in more ways than one if I can), have the interactions that come naturally, be charming, give the flowers a little water and see what grows.  My problem is that I never stay in the same town long enough to let them grow, I get impatient waiting and bugger off to a new town for something better and the cycle continues!  So I'm trying to do something different in Cardiff which is to get to know the town, the locals and get a bit of consistency going which is hard when you're living outside the system and feeling lonely all the time.  Even when I try and engage I just seem to be having conversations which involve the 5 questions of life, over and over again!  sigh....anyway at least I've got myself to keep me company.

That's another tactic I use a lot, talking to myself.  Most of the time people think you're nuts if they catch you talking to yourself but if they actually listen to what you're saying will they think it sounds interesting and will they comment on it.  Generally I find not, they feel like they are interrupting something going on in your head :)  It does help to keep you company and feel a bit better though, I mean if intimacy or in-to-me-see is all about seeing yourself in another then who better to have a conversation with when the other isn't around?

Experiencing high levels of intimacy...