Last night I had some high levels of anger to deal with and it's still in me this morning. The reasons feel justified to me and may also to the reader but either way it can always be used to "your" advantage and not the advantage of the person causing the anger.
How I deal with high levels of anger, use it to my advantage and go back to focusing on myself instead of continuing in the drama created that cause the anger in the first place.
We've been conditioned or brainwashed to believe that anger is wrong. We live in a world where the only place you're allowed to show anger is when you're a woman with PMT and it's the "time of the month". Wow they get to be angry once a month based on what they say is happening in their body.....when am I a man allowed to be angry. Oh you're not! Try it and see what happens, we'll just call you rude and scary and the whole world has been brainwashed to protect me so nerny nerny ner ner.
I say that someone is closest to their true authentic self when they are angry. In fact that was said to me by a very smart lady once who seemed to spend her whole time trying to get me angry and loving it. A pain in the ass but also possibly a genius.....it's a strange edge to play with when dealing with women like that or witches as most of those types women like to call themselves - possibly a whole other subject for another blog post.
So on Tuesday of this week I decided to have a busk in Cardiff city center again to try and earn a bit of money. Now every time I do that, no matter where I sit you can guarantee a load of noise and a load of sabotage will start appearing around me. This is how it seems to be when you're playing free music on the streets and getting away with it while not needing any governed mind or govern-ment(old latin for governed mind) services to help you out and give all the order follower helpers something to do to justify their existence. There's a lot of them and they give hollowood and all the services connected to it all the money and all the power so they have all been brainwashed very well to lower vibration, make a racket and generally being as unhelpful as possible around someone that might be making people smile and raising vibration.
Sound is vibration, vibration is heat, heat is sound, heat is vibration - again possibly another blog post for another time.
Apparently we are what we see, however do we consider what we hear or listen to constantly?
Someone once said to me that you have one mouth and two ears so use them with that in mind.
So there I am busking and starting to earn a bit of money. First thing that happens is the "men digging holes" across the road start up making noise. There is no activity going on previous to that and it's 4pm on a Tuesday afternoon, however now I've started busking it's time for them to start work, clearly! They've got the digger going, the gates bashing, the men in high vis, the deliveries of wood on a pedestrianised area, oh they got it all going on and it's fucking noisy. Can't they do this thing at night when there's nobody around, especially as it's a pedestreanised area and especially as people in town are hear to have a good time and experience the city.....err no....that would make far to much sense Spencer and we just have to accept that they are doing their best, ignore it, maybe go and meditate but for god sake don't get angry about it, how could it possibly be by design you're just being paranoid.
So I carry on playing regardless, it actually didn't feel that noisy in that moment and I can play and sing pretty loud now without amplification so I continued on. Within ten minutes I get visited by a young woman asking me if I can get pre-gab or valium for her, to which I irritatingly so no to! Just because I'm busing on the streets and may look homeless why the fuck would you project that I can help you out with drugs to support your crack addiction. Again another annoying interruption to try and put me off my flow and essentially have less fun, make less people happy and make less money in the process. I'm struggling to get a little bit of weed in the center of Cardiff so have some fun and improve vibration, meanwhile you can get crack, heroine and any chemical that may lower vibration easily, at least that's all anyone seems to talk about. So she goes and sits over by the side and watches me for a bit. To be honest I did sense that she is just a victim of the state and unfortunately these people have addictions, the only help they seem to be able to get is in the form of a drug that does the same or similar but it's given at the control of the helpers that accept the "governed mind" or the government and these people have no choice but to accept that level of control and power over their lives because someone somewhere has deemed that type of addiction inappropriate.
Addictions and what they mean to each person and why is possibly another blog post or rabbit hole to go down at some point.
The next thing that happens is I get visited by another strange guy, who is clearly a chancer a thief and likely fucking good at it. He gives me the rest of his spliff and as you likely know by now I like the weed. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, it grows from the ground as nature intended and if I like it and feel I progress myself and feel better when smoking it and it causes nobody any harm then I think it's my right to continue to do so. Previous to that I've been struggling to get any form of sharing from anyone regarding weed in Cardiff so this guy is already interesting to me and on that basis alone so I decide to ignore all his stupid bullshit and focus on the fact that I may be able to get a bit of weed, even though at this point I had only earned about £3 busking. He kept promising me weed and musical instruments and basically promising me the world. Do you know how much this bullshit has happened to me since I've been homeless.....well it's ALOT! So I know it's all bullshit but go along with it because I did just have a bit of free weed and I'll likely get some more. He was hard to ignore though, he was possibly one of the most annoying people I've ever hang out with and I also found him hilarious at times. It's like he was such an incompetent bull-shitter it was funny and you just end up thinking this guy literally has nobody else and he's making out he has everybody in order to impress me.....it's kind of sad and a bit creepy but if you're stoned and thinking about it like an evil genius is pretty funny.
Anyway, I end up getting invited back to his place, having a bath, a shave a change of clothes and a few more joints. Which on the face of it sounds like a great time but unfortunately their is just as much darkness in place as I've come to learn to deal with when you operate directly with the universe and vibration as I do. He spent the whole time gaslighting me, moaning and shouting about irrelevant things and using very clever word play to offer me things, then take them away saying they are a loan, it just went on and on. While with him I got offered a fender guitar from a pub, one of his left handed guitars that could be re-strung for me, weed at times that never matereliased, ipad's, adroid devices phones. I mean it just went on and on continuously while I just focused on shutting him up long enough to either share the joint he'd already promised or let me roll the joint he'd already promised to even get me their putting up with all this bullshit and in a house that's a complete shit hole that he somehow things is better for me than what I was doing previously. He told me on multiple occasions that this was now my house to share with him, I now have his room and his daughter and gran kids will be playing in this shithole of a lounge once we sort it out together. Again I kept ignoring him and focusing on what I wanted which was coffee, weed and snacks to keep my own personnel trilogy alive and leave him to keep repeating his own bullshit over and over again with no reaction.
This made him angry and angrier and as time went on and he started to try and tell me that I was wrong for always demanding weed when he'd already promised it and basically that was the only reason I was there and he knew it. I didn't hide the fact and kept telling him how it was, are you going to shut up and finish smoking that joint and pass it back to which he would respond it's my weed and get angry! I would say ok but you did get me here with the promise of a joint and that doesn't seem to be happening. These kind of stupid games went on all fucking night. I decided to take his bed as it had been offered and have a good sleep in a comfy bed for a change.
At this point I new things were not going to end well for me, they never do in these strange situations with bullshitters!
There's light in dark in everything so you have to just go with the flow and focus on what's best for you in the moment and what your anger is trying to tell you personally rather than what his agenda is for your anger.
So that night while falling asleep I'm already struggling to keep the anger at bay. Why can't I just meet a genuine person who just wants to get stoned, have some fun and connect without a load of stupid crazy agenda's which seems to involve me needing to accept continuous bullshit coming out of their mouth and be of grateful for hanging out with them in a complete shit hole with promises that never come!! When I woke in the morning he had gone out, so I decided to clean his shithole of a kitchen, do all the washing up, make myself some breakfast (as all the food had already been promised to me on multiple occasions, even though I knew it would be used to gaslight me as a taker at some point), drink some coffee and finish off a weed doggend in the ash tray after being told last night that he had none left. I use my anger to use his resource in the moment and get the most out of it for myself. I listed to Alexa, I cooked bacon and egg sandwich and I got high so fuck him. Moralistically in my head, I've cleaned his kitchen and done the washing up and put up with his bullshit for a whole night when frankly although he pretends it to be the opposite, he has nobody! Eventually he comes back, again with weed and tobaccos for me and or us (it's never his to start with).....He also has a £5 note that he was given to him for me so I could get the bus with him (he has a bus pass) and he waves it in front of me saying "no i'm not giving it to you, I'll use it to pay for the bus". This kind of controlling behaviour from a 70 year old that apparently is offering me the chance of a life time is frankly tiresome. He also kept waving the weed in front of me but never actually giving it to me. He kept promising to roll me one and it wasn't happening. So I offered him a coffee. He said he would also like a bacon and egg sandwich so I made him one along with a coffee to his ridiculously difficult standards of ordering about and gaslighting. He said he would give me a joint for a bacon sandwich so I was going to get high, have a coffee and leave him to it. I think he knew that all the same. He knew at this point I wasn't going to follow him around like a puppy just for a bit of money and weed, especially when I made us both a coffee, one for him in a cup that said 70 and one for me in a cup that said "I'm the boss".
He then tried to tell me that I couldn't spark the joint up until we went for a walk and went to a certain point where he says it's ok because it's his weed! I said this isn't your weed, you just traded it for the bacon sandwich so I'll smoke it where I fucking want to. To which he responded by completely losing his shit and threatening to stab me, slit my through, get me beat up by the people that look after him etc etc. I said whatever and started gathering my stuff together to leave. The clothes I was wearing are now in the washing machine and I have the clothes on that he gave me the night before and is now claiming they were a loan and they are his favorite and he wants them back. About half an hour previous to that he chucked a jumper at me and said that was mine but I now wasn't allowed to have that until he get's the joint back or until I agree to smoke it where he tells me to!! Anyway the place is a shithole so I grab a jumper off the floor and leave with that.
He follows me out calling me a thief etc etc but he didn't appear to be attacking me while I was staying in the house so I let my guard down bit on the way out and he lent over the balcony and clouted me on the side of the head with a spirit level. It didn't hurt that much so I wasn't to worried and when I got out to the street I realised it had knocked the bloody joint out of my ear! It sounds strange but in the moment this was my biggest concern, so I was trying to work out if I could get back into the garden to find it and after assessing the situation (him two floors above me chucking all sorts of shit at me with a head I now realised was bleeding) I decided to leave it and process all the drama this nutter was creating. He's now telling people on the street to call the police because I'm a thief to which I said yes lets do that and tell them all how you've attacked me for no fucking reason.
At this point this post could go down a few different rabbit holes as I suppose my reaction to all of this is where it get's most interesting. I suppose the post is supposed to be about dealing with anger so to keep it on track I'll talk about that. At this point my anger was being used to protect me and in the moment because I assessed that that the house is full of dangerous weapons with a guy is two floors above me and he's clearly crazy so I don't think I would have come off well if I went back in to give him a hiding, even if it does work and you "win". So I used the anger to calmly walk to Tescos and get myself some fizzy after cleaning myself up in the Bay. I realised at this point the bleeding wasn't slowing down and I would likely need stiches. Again multiple things happened that are interesting to talk about but in terms of anger I was just using it to get the best results for me which in the moment was to drink fizzy, walk towards where I know I can rest and blag as many smokes as I can on the way.
After ringing the ambulance from 999 and suffering their complete incompetence I mopped myself up in the toilets of a pub/restaurant and decided even though a few stiches may help it's not worth the waiting around and all the stupid questions - the five questions, that life is about when you need any help from the governed mind, government.
I ended up in a location where I have felt safe previously, eating some bread I left for myself, having a little cigarette I got from someone on the way and having a bit of a vape. Then I start to process all that had happened and what I'm going to do about it and then the anger really starts to come! Man I haven't been that angry for a long time and I was pretty close to going back with a bit of scaffolding pole to give him good beating, kick him out and bun the place down. Then I realised that a guy like that has had plenty of beatings before but what he really cares about is his stuff, so I'll just go back and burn it all down when he's out. This seemed like the best way to feel compensated for what he'd put me through and to be honest I'm not sure how I'm stopping myself from doing it. One reason is because I think that's exactly what he wants. I personally think he had one goal and one goal only, wind me up enough in various different ways to justify an arrest which will hopefully get me out of Cardiff or worse. When he realised that wasn't going to work his last option is to attack me on the hope that my reaction will get me out of Cardiff or go back for a war of some kind so he can justify a more vicious attack. As it stands at the moment, I have done nothing wrong and he's attacked me for no reason so I'm winning and if I use my anger right (focusing it on myself and what I need in the moment) instead of what he want's me to use it for (some kind of revenge) I can go about my day get my needs met and allow karma to take care of that fool.
It seems to have worked fairly well for me so far, I've had a nice walk through Sophia Gardens, played on the musical instruments in the park, had some interesting conversations with some hot women, got nice and high on doggends and gifts from genuine weed smokers that want to share the love and had lots of coffee. So as it stands, in the moment my anger is getting my needs met pretty well but I've been conditioned to project it onto him because he was the one that was fucking with my needs in the first place. It's hard to let go of but I suppose if I use the anger to get away from him, get my needs met without him and keep him at a distance in the future, then as I say, Karma will take care of the rest because a guy like that needs my anger to be focused on him more than he realises, possibly to even justify his whole existence and why should I give him the privilege of a me that's closest to his true authentic self! So thank you very much for the anger, I'll use it to improve my life even more and now I'm even more steps above you and your strange agendas!
I'll finish with a quote someone said to me once. They asked me when did I feel most alive and appreciated as a child and I said when I was running. I used to win a lot and my parents were proud and it felt good. To which she responded "When you were winning did you care about who was in second place?". The answer is obviously no, you don't look back, you don't worry about what they are really doing at all. So now I think I need to find myself a WAG which as far as I can tell stands for Winners Are Great.
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